>>13563182i assume you mean why i acted the way i did in the past. you are probably the only one who asked me this after everything was over. it was desperation, being desperate for decreasing my own self respect. i only had 1 way before i started as bigu
>drop out of school>jobcenter pressures me to work>unable to work bc of issues which i didnt know the type of at that time>suicidei knew i had to get warded for a new path to arrive but my self respect was blocking me out of it so i made a discord account and used it to weaken my self respect until it was low enough to visit a psych. then i had to decrease it even more to get warded. i was totally disappointed in psych ward when i realized they arent able to actually find out whats wrong with me either so i needed to be seen as insane which would be the result of staying there for a long time. my self respect made it feel like hell there, i wanted to run away and thats when everything with cutu started. the first cuts i got were actually initiated by me taking advantage of people, it made me feel disgusting so i apologized to people afterwards. i chose a different way, making it easy for people to blame me. it worked insanely well and its not really my problem if they cut themselves on their own will. it resulted in me being hated and insulted, which decreased my self worth a huge amount making it feel oke to be in ward. after release i felt so bad about ward that i had to decrease it even more, i did that by larping as a pedo and creating an infograph about "ze ebil bigu". this almost nullified my self respect. which is why i then left r9k and just used bantu for shitposting. this all also explains why i never was close to anyone on discord. i made my own path so it was definitely worth it, i was able to figure out my issue and i am able to choose the direction i want my life to take. i do sometimes think about whether there was a better path but i cant think of one
