>>13643243I get what you're trying to do here. I like the idea behind it and it works for the most part, you just need to smoothen it out a little. Turn it into a single long sentence then read it out loud and listen to its rhythm. That way you'll be able to tell where you need to add a comma or an "and", as well as where you might want to use a different word to better suit the rhythm.
Does this help?
