I'm a 27 yo kissless virgin (male). Basically my memory is so limited and my inner world is fragmented and structured in an unnatural way that I have always suspected I had something like DID. Over the last year or so I've begun having intrusive homosexual thoughts which unnerve and disgust me. I've never even remotely thought about other men that way, was checking out, having crushes on, and fantasizing about women since I was like 5. The thoughts feel alien, like they're backed by a sort of apathy, there is no spark. Yet this shit keeps coming into my mind. I was on my hands and knees sanding, all these thoughts and voices spinning in my head,a nd I was feeling like I was being touched, grabbed around my waist, and all these other things. It will come and go and if I passively let it go it will just go, but if I actively say wait a minute, what is this shit in my head, it's like a haze lifts and it all instantly disappears.

There are many factors and suspicions I couldn't possibly sumamrize. Lack of friends, long term isolation, feeling damaged and unloveable, so I try to merge the desire for friends and sex into one and figure the path of least risk for rejection and effort is letting a promiscuous homosexual male use my body like a sex toy. But I'm sure there are some women into that, maybe even attractive, so why men? Could well be that I don't feel like a man, so I reject the idea of being with a woman. Regardless of how I try to break it down and make sense of it, none of this shit was present in my mind whatsoever not even a year ago. Perhaps I feel weak and if I can't dominate or evade everyone, it's activating some kind of faun pseudo-submission response, try to stay invisible. Also gross.

Am I having fragments of sexual abuse in childhood surface in other ways? I don't remember most of my life.I desired women but rejected them/intimacy fearing failure,disappointing them or bringing misery/burden. This is all obnoxious and further trashing my confidence.