I am going to kill you.
FAQ
>What does this mean?
Your subjective experience will shortly come to an end.
>Why did you do this?
There are several reasons why I may have decided to kill you. These include, but are not limited to:
You disagreed with me;
You were offensive towards me or those I associate with, or;
The elves inside my microwave told me to do it.
>How?
I am going to sneak into your house through the kitchen window and shank you to death. In fact, I am already right behind you.
>I don't believe I deserve to be killed. Can you un-kill me?
Sure, mistakes happen. But only in exceedingly rare circumstances will I undo a murder. If you would like to issue an appeal, shoot me a dying last words telling me what I got wrong. I tend to respond to dying last words within several minutes. Do note, however, that I will not be able to physically revive you. Instead, I will offer to light you a cigarette in your final moments and respectfully close your eyes after you pass away as compensation.
>How can I prevent this from happening in the future?
Accept the fact that you died and move on. But learn from this mistake: I will not tolerate post-mortem bowl movements or anything else I find offensive emanating from your body, and I will continue to issue stab wounds until you improve your conduct. Remember: Living is a privilege, not a right.