>>16555254i don't know man, i think i'm mostly frustrated and upset because i just wish she was more present in my life. i resent people who have the ability to be able to say "my parents are the best in the world, i love them so much" because i have no reason to love mine besides doing the bare minimum to keep me alive. sure it's life, but it's barely living. i feel like it's only become her normal state after something of a traumatic upbringing, and i'm forced to bear the brunt of her abuse. i know not all women are still children inside, forcing their child to take care of them, and instead raising an emotionally healthy and well adjusted kid, but mine wasn't.
it's fucking pain, and i don't know what else i can do but accept the truth, but i don't know how ready i am to experience all of the pent up pain from all the neglect and abuse i'm trying to selfishly numb myself from. i've seen how beautiful life can be, but i do not feel free, victim to my mom, held captive in my mind.
i don't know. i'm not like this, nor do i wish to entertain this side of me. i'm just hurt, over and over again with no apology, no respite.
