god i fucking hate my life
decided last year that at the end of this year i was going to decide whether to live or die, as a way of motivating myself to actually do something with my life by giving myself a deadline to find something worth living for
i started medication, tried therapy, picked up hobbies, started meeting new people, tried to think more positively, and spent more time with friends and family
i was doing well for a while, but then my meds stopped working and everyone around me started letting me down
the hobbies i picked up were there so if i couldnt find love in friends or a partner, i could at least find something to love about myself
but after a while i realized i was no good at anything, so i could no longer stand being alone with myself because of how much i hate myself
i realized i only really had two friends left i could depend on, but i feel like i'm wearing them thin with my constant bitching so i've stopped pushing my issues on them
i even tried to cut myself which i havent done in years, but it didn't give me the same satisfaction it did before so i don't even have that anymore
nothing i try works, in the past i knew i didn't try very hard, but now that i have really been trying to get better it feels like i'm expending all my options and that it's too late, the only comfort i have is knowing that this is the last year i'll have to suffer and i'll have the time to organize a peaceful death in the winter
i hate that i am so unlovable and i couldn't even find a reason to love myself, even though for a while everything seemed like things might be okay, but when i look back now in the journal i've kept, the good days became fewer and fewer until they stopped coming altogether
all i have left is the eventual possibility of a peaceful end