President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin met with his Ukraine counterpart Volodymyr Zelenskyy at the White House earlier, revealing the supposed armed conflict of the last year was both "fake" and "gay".

"We were looking for funds to develop eastern europe" Zelensky said in an interview "... But nobody was interested." He later went on to describe the mutual Russo-Ukrainian plan. "Then we saw the USA spent billions on wars in the middle east, and the idea just sort of 'clicked'."

Putin admitted in an interview "пpocтo poзыгpыш" that "(the war) was just a prank" before calling a reporter "bro". Later he affirmed funds donated by the US, EU and others had been spent on '15-minute walkable' urban roads, organic invertebrate-based protein meals to mitigate global climate change, and social welfare programs for immigrants. "Immigrants and walkable city centers are the future of Ukraine and Russia" Putin commented, before describing in graphic detail the succulent yet realistic texture of delicious insect-based foodstuffs. "Spider Hamburgers are my favorite." But Zelensky was less certain, explaining that while he enjoyed the aroma of centipede sausages, their texture was simply "too perfect" compared to inferior products like actual meat. "Of course its instantly recognizeable as bug meat. Real meat never looks this good!"