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mom ignored me today. she isn't buying groceries for anybody but herself anymore. i feel hurt, but am also unfortunately used to the pain, so i realized her for the emotionally unstable person that she is, not that i hate her regardless of what she's dragged me through.
it's so funny when everyone in your tiny apartment actively avoid you. makes you feel less than human because you just aren't seen or heard by anyone who matters anymore. just becoming subject to emotional abuse, maybe because you believed in the false notion of unconditional love and acceptance of yourself through the ones you'd expect to be able to trust the most.
my brain is fucking fries, man. i miss my dad, man. i need independence before i subject myself to more unnecessary pain. it's the only conclusion i can come to, to maybe ease the pressure of feeling like this will last forever, even if i never act on these urges. maybe it's not the right one, with how obsessed i become over it, almost using it as a much needed escape from my reality. even if it's only a cope, then just, whatever.
