I know all the pain and confusion I have caused my self and everyone around me whether that be my family, friends, or random strangers who tried to help me but I just spat on; is only my fault, worst of all it is continual and doesn’t benefit me or anyone around me and will surely end in disaster and tragedy as I exhaust peoples resources and sympathy. I don’t have a a genuine relationship with anyone, not even my immediate family though I laugh and smile at them, if they knew the real reason I’m a zombie they wouldn’t love me and throw me out on the street, justifiably, and my past self would agree so too, Hell more so than anyone he’d want me tortured slowly and than killed for being the traitorous perverse being I became. And I don’t have the Will anymore to move forward in life cause mostly everything I say is subterfuge and my soul feels dead from numerous lies, cruelties, wastefulness and perversion, more so that contradicts itself and I knew was extremely wrong, yet I just kept going because I had already broken the ice, crossing the moral event horizon and filling my mind with the worst pornography and other mind numbing things, leaving filth everywhere, and neglecting to take care of myself or others because in soul I was already a dead man, what did it matter? Lastly all the romanticism that was once in my life or that could have been there is gone forever. I used to dress well and believed I fought for justice and saw the evils or my society, I knew things that most people didn’t and felt mystified by even the most little events in my life, especially by beauty, whether of landscapes, or persons, or art written or spoken. And I felt I had an obligation to my people, to humanity, to God.