>>2031860I spend all this time gaming and watching anime because I feel so alone. I know I'm not cut out for romance. When its just me and another person, when I'm open and honest, I'm not a likable person. Inside I am still a child. On the outside I am able to act like an adult.
I look inside myself and I see my reflection in broken glass, each shard a different age, a different level of maturity. All of them are inadequate. None of them are happy.
I don't like turning into a man. The pain is still there, but I don't feel it as well. I can't cry to get relief. The more things go on the more I realize that ending my life is inevitable, even if I know I'm not going to do it now. I know that the less I am able to feel release, the closer I will get.
I wish I had died the first time. Back then I was still human. I was still naive enough to believe I could be loved and have a family someday.
I act like I don't want to be a husband and father.
Its all a lie. Every portion of my life is a lie. I want to need my parents and have them help me like they never did. I want my child to need me so I can help it like I never will.
I want to escape this limbo, this arrested development. I want to go home, but I don't know where home is.
Take the crooked path
Up to where the smoke rises
There you will find home
