About to get a rejection email from my dream job. Would accelerate my ability to move where I want to, afford to pay off my debts, give me financial security and afford me the chance to get married in the next 2 years as opposed to the next 10. Really feeling horrifically bad about it, which is silly. It's not my fault besides not being..... "good enough" to get the things I strive for. Bad decisions with my earlier career coming back to bite me. Poor self esteem preventing me from making better decisions in recent months regarding health and socializing. Maybe it's just punishment for the sinful life I used to live. I just wish there weren't these longwinded, goofy processes of 'we'll touch base uhhhhh next week or something' instead of 'no, sorry we can't hire you'. Been waiting 2 weeks to hear back. I'm just hurting. I just feel shitty about the way other people see me. My family and friends are supportive, I am loved. But I am not able to express my abilities through work or be paid adequately to grow. I just want to prove myself. Not to anyone else, but to myself. I know I can do so much more than I am being asked to do now, I know my brain is worth something.... I just want the chance to get going. I have been stuck for years. I want to get unstuck. All the pulling and pushing and striving and working and effort hasn't got me anywhere. God willing I will make it, we all will some day. I just wish sincerely that that day would come sooner than later.
