You’ve done it, Mario. You’ve finally cast Bowser into the fiery lava pits of Mushroom Hell and saved the Mushroom Kingdom. There’s only one thing left to do. There’s no easy way to say this Mario, but the princess is in another castle.
Another kingdom, you could say. Well, the truth is Mario, the princess was never real. There is no Princess Peach, Mario. We Toads made her up.
The princess is part of an ancient Toadian tradition our ancestors started 2000 years ago as they fled Dry Bones Bowser’s pyramids in the sand kingdom on World 3. In order to make sure the Toads would never be enslaved again, our ancestors went from kingdom to kingdom setting up these signs telling Mario where to go to save the princess in case Bowser came back into power.
By making sure an Italian plumber successfully reaches the goal post in each kingdom thinking he’s saving the princess, the Toads could keep Bowsers eternal tyranny under control. But the whole adventure has been based on a lie, Mario.
There is no princess, that time you kissed Princess Peach and ate cake with her by the beach on World 4, it was Toadette in a disguise the whole time.
I’m so sorry to say this, but it’s time for you to wake up, Mario. Wake up to reality and accept the fact that the entire mythos of your life was an elaborate political scheme devised by ancient Toad supremacists in order to keep chaos at bay. Accept it, and know that if you ever say anything about it in public, us Toads will make sure you never work as a plumber in the Mushroom Kingdom again.