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I find myself to be in a similar situation to Rick. Not in that I am a pickle, but that I view myself and my intelligence as both an unstoppable force and an inescapable curse. (I know, I'm an arrogant asshole. Feel free to ignore me.) I love being able to predict things around me and control my own little world to some extent, but at the same time I'm incredibly bored by "work" that I feel is beneath my abilities and desires. In some cases, especially when the "work" is really taxing on me emotionally, I would rather just die (read: escape). I do have some self-destructive tendencies, not in a suicidal sense but more in a "fuck everyone, here's the truth" sense. I would sometimes be fine with sacrificing my reputation and position in life in order to escape the boring "work" of what has become a routine, nagging on my subconscious. There's a part of me that hates that nagging so much that I would be fine just letting my ego run free, abusing anyone in my path for the sake of my own judgement of what is worth my interest.
The only problem is that with that approach to life I would eventually be alone and still unable to reach exactly what I want out of this world. I don't want to just be in control. Complete control is impossible anyhow; people can only be manipulated so far and reality only bends as much as my arms can handle before giving out. I'm not a god. I want more meaningful things than control anyways. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to connect with people mentally and spiritually. I want to serve God. I want to make the most of the time I have and fulfill my natural needs as a human as well as help others fulfill those needs. I want to discover the truth about people, about God, about reality, and to pass that truth on to those after me so that they will be better equipped to live in this world. I want to do what most people want to do: make the world a better place. At the end of the day, being a narcissistic asshole doesn't accomplish that as
