>>23955868I do not feel much different. I tried to do good on Earth, and was met with awful indifference. I realize that the only good being done was the one I was doing. Life felt hopeless. Why even be alive, if this is the type of people who prosper on Earth? Why even be alive, if my reward is to be a servant and be surrounded by this type of shallowness and evil? Then it all felt truly lonely and absurd.
The sad reality is that life is not good. It simply is not. You have to actively lie to yourself that the struggle to cope with this fact is enough to fulfill your existence. You imagine Sisyphus happy, because the alternative is only killing yourself since you cannot kill the world (even if deserves it).
I cannot give you a solution for a problem that is as older than Jesus or Confucius, who am I of great insight? But the greatest cope, better even than religion and community (if you are this attuned to thought, community will just look tedious and fake), is to find beauty.
Beauty is how men have always convinced themselves that life is worth living. Find something beautiful in your life, or make it yourself if there is nothing — as often is the case. It can be art, it can be a beautiful person, it can be a beautiful attitude, anything that still stirs you. Without beauty there is just no reason to stay living.
Christians in the past resigned from finding that beauty. It was an apocalyptic creed that believed that beauty can only truly exist in the realm of God. And maybe they are right, but if you do not believe as they believed, this does not help you.
If it gets too tough, go write a book or a journal. Or learn how to paint. Or try to meet people who are minimally decent (I recommend volunteering in a botanical garden in your city, something niche that only attracts weirdos because they tend to be more genuine). You need this beauty, anon. You have to convince yourself that life is worth living.
I am sorry for your pain.
