>>Be me
>>American
>>Scrap up whatever strength I have left after beating off to Mia Khalifa to attempt to lift my perfectly healthy 300 pound body out of my crust covered chair to eat for the fifth time today
>>Break a sweat after taking a few steps towards the kitchen
>>Stop for a healthy 2-liter of Mountain Dew and a couple of bags of Doritos
>>Clap for myself
>>Make it to kitchen after a few more hours
>>Nap on the kitchen floor as I deserve for working out that much
>>Wake up with a pool of sweat glistening around my healthy body
>>Use my industrial fork-lift to get off of the ground
>>Legs are operated with a hydraulic system no engineer in history could fathom how it can sustain such pressure in order to move them
>>Journey to my car about 30 yards away
>>Stop for another bottle or seven of Mountain Dew
>>Tell the construction crew to set me in the driver's seat of my specially modified H1 Hummer
>>Everyone clapped except for Gary, who was crushed last week under my healthy body when one of the straps broke
>>Fucking Gary
>>Take a small nap after getting fatigued while putting the key in the ignition
>>Wake up
>>Still time to head over to McDonalds
>>Drive through is packed with perfectly healthy people like me wanting to treat themselves
>>Get to the window
>>Order 20 McDoubles and a few orders of nuggets
>>Get winded half-way through
>>Nap for a while
>>Wake up
>>Fucking cop standing at my window asking me why I was passed out
>>Tell him to fuck off because I was a healthy human being and its normal after such exertion of energy to rest
>>Tell him that he's fat-shaming me
>>He shakes his head and walks away
>>Finish my order with a 32 oz. McFlurry and a diet coke
>>Get another fork-lift to bring my arm up to the cashier to hand her my platinum McD's credit card with 250% APR
>>Finally get my order
>>Go home
>>Getting out of the car
>>Sweat dripping out of beautiful fat folds like niagra falls
>>My genes cause me to have a massive heart attack
>>mfw
