Why I'm repressing? Imagine growing up somewhere behind the iron curtain while being gender dysphoric - wishing to be a girl - but still not hyper feminine in your mannerisms, with attraction to females, with nerdy, but still "manly" interests. Also being born in early 90ies meant that you didn't knew much about this kind of degeneracy outside of jokes in movies.
Of course I dived deep into repression and tried my beat to appeared as masc as possible on one side, and used intense reading as way of escapism, which both lead me to far right. I read all relevant far right philosophers till end of high school (Spengler, Heidegger, Schmitt, Evola, de Benoist, Ortega y Gasset, de Maistre etc) while sporting skinhead image and spending my weekends drunk ans trying to fit with the guys.
Intense escapism lead me to manage somehow through hell that was puberty, and I developed several coping excuses: I am so straight I dislike my body, I just need to be more successful and it will go away, it is just a kink and not worth a thought and so on. I went on to study humanities and I did really well in college, get a girlfriend and so on, and enjoyed few years of relatively mild dysphoria (few days a month severely depressed because I am not a girl, otherwise plain denial).
All my defence mechanism and excuses lasted till like a year ago (mid twenties now) when I broke down and have to admit myself what it going on in my stupid head. I read stuff about it and said: Ok, anon, ao you got this condition but you can cope. It got worse and now I am in war against my degeneracy but will probably have to bite the bullet and transition, despite my beliefs.
