>>33801732/2
On the other hand I can definitely recall plenty of times I've gotten erections from guys, and thinking about doing sexual shit with guys gets me hard. Looking back I can see all of the shit I used to do/think about (eg always being more interested in the penis diagrams than the vagina in sex ed) and it feels like everything points to me being gay all along, and just being too dense to realize and/or being in denial due to being religious. I'm clinging onto the hope that I'm just bi, but it feels like vain denial since I don't get turned on by visualizing sexual situations with girls the way I do with guys
There is just one girl my age at church (everyone else is 5 years older and married with babies or 12 years old or younger), and we get along well. Just this week she came up to me after church to talk about the new star wars movie and we talked for a solid half hour about it. We've grown up around each other but never gotten particularly close, we don't really talk about deeply personal shit. I feel some kind of obligation like we're meant to get together, but I never think of her sexually and if I am actually gay then it doesn't help anyone to try a relationship where there's no sexual interest
Just this week someone asked me at church "anon when are you going to get a girlfriend" and I just gave a dismissive "I don't know" because there's nothing else I can reveal
I want a boyfriend but I'm painfully aware that I can't ever come out without completely fucking up the relationship dynamic with about 80% of the people in my life, because they would never accept it. But even if I stay single or manage to hide any gay relationship, by the time I hit 30 or even late 20s and am still seemingly single all of those questions are going to get raised anyway.
I feel like my life is an impending iceberg collision and I don't know what to do. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not and I can't hide who I am forever either
