The only alcohol you ever need in life is wine, and that's it. Beer is a cheap alternative for irresponsible people who want acidic build-up in their joints, vodka is for people who hate other people just as much as they hate themselves, whiskey is for people who pretend to be classy, and champagne is for money-wasting tossers who think $200 for a foamy drink is a good investment.

Wine is your best friend. It helps you with your health and your loneliness, and all the good wines are just under $20.