Dear friends on /bant/,

I'm not sure if I can "take the bants" so I was wondering if some of you could just let me have it? Just hit me with both barrels, so to speak.
Some topics of interest for you to exploit:
-I'm not very smart
-I'm the only one touching my average sized penis
-I'm balding
-I hate my job, which doesn't pay well

I'm sure there's more.
So come on, let me have it!