I ONCE SHAT IN MY PANTS IN 1ST GRADE, SUDDENLY, AND WAS SO HORRIFIED THAT I RAN INTO THE CAFETERIA BATHROOM AND HID IN A STALL, TRYING DESPERATELY TO CLEAN MY BROWN-STAINED TIGHTYWHITIES. AFTER ABOUT 10 MINUTES OF CAREFUL FECES EXCAVATION, I STUFFED MY PANTS FULL OF TOILET PAPER AND WADDLED AROUND SCHOOL FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

THE COMBINATION OF THE STENCH AND THIS BIZARRE SPECTACLE CAUSED A TEACHER TO CALL MY MOM AS I WAS ON THE BUS, SO WHEN I GOT HOME SHE GENTLY TOOK ME INTO THE BATHROOM AND ASKED ME WHAT WAS IN MY PANTS...

UNABLE TO FORMULATE ANY REASONABLE EXPLAINATION THAT COULD GLOSS OVER THE HORROR OF THE TROUSER-SHITTING, I TOLD HER THAT THE CLOTTED WADS OF DAMP TOILET PAPER WERE A "SURPRISE PRESENT".