Sup /pol/

Well, it's been a year and I'm still here, and thankfully doing better. The screencap is from a year ago when things were much worse. I'm still not out of the woods as there's always that greener pasture, that higher level, it's always just a little further west. I didn't make every day count as promised, there were those pits I'd fall in, but I made enough count. I've had to face the extreme difficulty of getting out of my comfort zone, and many times repeatedly. In order to get my current job as a dock worker, I've had to jump through hoops for a year, having to pass physical, cognitive, and operational tests in which one little mistake was an automatic disqualification and the end to the chance of a better job – back to the slow death.

Even after getting the job, I'd have to suffer the anxiety pain of somehow getting out my front door, getting into my car, driving to the docks, getting lost and having to ask for help, and then doing the job with as little fuckups as possible moving cargo containers. I would go home completely exhausted and full of embarrassments of my mistakes, but I at least went home alive, uninjured, and with the relief of knowing that I did it. It was hard. It was very hard. It's still hard to leave my apartment, but I do it. It's hard to believe I've made it this far.

In my post a year ago, things were dark and I was flirting with the idea of things “going the other way.” Well, I'm happy to say I'm not there anymore. I've decided to stay. I've got some time and some fun money for my art now, and maybe that's enough.