>>5993098I was 22 in 1995. From drugs, immense family stress and latent psychoses, I had that dark night of the soul. I thought it was my last night on earth and having nothing to lose, I approached a ruddy older man and just flatly asked him how he did it, how he survived for so long and appeared so healthy and happy despite both of us sitting in a fast food place at midnight. I never told him what I was intending and he seemed to enjoy the dialogue.
It gave me just enough doubt; I fell asleep with a loaded rifle in my mouth.
I woke up completely psychotic. I couldn't accept that I was still alive and became delusional for six months. In that time, my insanity led to violence and I ended up in prison for ten years. The 'fever' broke once I was in for about 4 months.
I learned gratitude.
Today, I am middle aged. Hopelessly poor, poor heath, not much future anyone would want. I am estranged from family and have no real friends, but its always fun to pretend.
I am humbled by nature, I love animals. I can watch insects with immense fascination at how such tiny creatures live their lives, making decisions all day. All they want is another day in the sun, a good meal, the hope and expectation that everything is always going to be fine.
I can still cry tears of joy when I look at the stars, and do so often. I look at the night time sky and see the wonder and majesty of the universe, and know my time is limited.
And I am tearing up now, just thinking about it, how beautiful it all is. And I am so grateful for every day I get to see it. I am that little beetle lounging on a blade of grass in the sun, just so content to have experienced any of it even for a day.
Some day I will die, there will be pain and terror. And its okay. Because I have no words to describe how grateful I am to have seen any of it and each day is a blessing to see, feel and experience more.
A little more time in the sun. Thats what we want when you take everything else away.
