i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my time. everything goes by so quickly that i never think to do anything. if i started doing things a long time ago i may have accomplished something but it feels too late to start at this point so i continue doing nothing.
i do not enjoy tv or video games anymore. i do not have the patience to search for new music. i am unhireable because of my sleep cycle. i have no skills or education. i don't get enjoyment from being around people. all i do is lay in bed and post on my phone which probably contributes to the problem but what the fuck can i do. sometimes i go outside and sit with my cat or dog and just stare into space for hours on end. i can't think properly. the neurons in my head don't fire right anymore. i try to imagine things but it's all just a blur that lasts for half a second and then dissipates into nothing. when i was young i was very smart, i could think clearly, i would always have the right answer for any question without needing to study for it, and it hurts to look back on that and then look at my situation now. i feel like my brain has regressed and i don't know if it's because of my disorder or the medications i was on for years but it is not fun. i feel very limited and trapped in my own mind and body. i look in the mirror and my face always looks off, my eyes are dull, i don't immediately recognize myself when i wake up. it feels like sometimes i break through, like i'm back again, but as soon as i arrive everything goes to shit so i once more fade away. i don't think it's voluntary but i'm aware of it happening. there's some part of my head that doesn't let me be sincere or enjoy anything out of fear i'll get hurt or hurt someone else so it just locks me up again and preserves only the most basic of functions. i don't think i should have to live vicariously through my own fucking eyes but i do.
don't know why im typing this but everyone else blogposts so thanks for reading my blog if you did.