I am a tranny. Being tranny is a disability. Once I have realized that and come to terms with that, it's fucking empowering and liberating. For years I tried to convince myself that I was normal and that I could do normal things like normal women or normal men. And I was devastated every single time something happened that reminded me that I wasn't normal. I went to several therapists, psychiatrists, tried different kinds of antidepressants, but, I was just so sad all the time. Nothing worked to ease my depression.

I was disappointed by my transition: I stupidly believed I could live in society as a normal woman (still being aware that I am XY). Then, one day, a light bulb went on. I said to myself: how do disabled people cope with their disabilities? My transsexualism is a form of disability. The blind person can't read or watch movies. Similarly, I can't date guys or go to the beach in a bathing suit without being stared at. The guy in a wheel chair has to restructure his life, reorganize his home and spatial environment. Likewise, I have to avoid certain areas of the city, avoid certain people, have to work from home, etc... The little person who has dwarfism has to put lower shelves in his home. I have to guard myself and never let my guard down and never fall in love. I can't date like a normal person. I can't go to an office and chit chat like a normal person. Knowing that people will talk about my gender, behind my back, it's too painful.

Paradoxically, once I realized that I am crippled, handicapped, disabled, I feel less depressed. I remind myself that I just happen to have a disability and I can't be mad if society hates me and no man will ever fall in love with me. I have to accept that. It's fucking liberating. The biggest mistake was hoping and believing I could have a normal life. I can't have a normal life. Period.