Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, my, it seems the Christmas season comes a bit earlier each year, doesn’t it? Yes, it certainly does. And with the hours ticking away until we make the Yuletide gay, jolly old Saint Nick has a very important message for all his boys and girls.

So, my dear children, no matter what’s on your wish list this year, gather ’round and listen close! Because unless you deliver $100 billion in unmarked bills to the North Pole before Christmas morning, I will detonate dirty bombs in five major cities across the globe!

Do you know what a dirty bomb is, my sweet little ones? It’s a scary contraption that can be easily deployed in a major population center to make all your mommies and daddies very, very sick. And even though Santa loves each and every one of you very much, if his demands are not met, he won’t hesitate to unleash holy hell on unsuspecting civilians in random locations all over the world.

Santa’s workshop hasn’t been making any dolls or train sets this year. My goodness, no! My elves have been hard at work enriching plutonium into payloads that can deliver a virtual second Chernobyl of radioactive death and destruction to any metropolitan area Santa chooses. Oh, yes, indeed. Rudolph’s nose will be glowing this holiday season, but not because it’s magic, if you catch ol’ Kris Kringle’s drift! Ho, ho, ho!

Why, all poor Santa’s asking for is a measly hundred billion smackers. ’Tis the season for giving, is it not? And the only Christmas surprises St. Nicholas wants for you are stockings full of candy canes and gumdrops, carolers singing festive songs, and a cheerful dusting of snow—not a devastating series of blasts in a city center, the screams of sickened citizens, and radioactive fallout blanketing your neighborhood.

Just imagine that! It’d be a veritable winter wonderland—a nuclear winter, that is!