Thats how it starts. Today I am browsing non pornographic pictures of actresses, tomorrow nude pics, and in a couple of days I will be having another 5 hour edging session. Proceeded by wondering why I am so pathetic, why I don't have any achievements, and how I wasted my mid 20s, and wasting late 20s. I really hate myself. My addiction became a part of me. The stimulation is too rewarding. I became a wanker, destroyer of ambition. There are no books on this. When I read naked lunch I didn't even felt disgust, I knew that mind can walk those insanely perverted paths. And I did it to myself, my drug was pixelated stimulus, that surge of dopamine. Like I was lobotomized by pleasure for a couple hours. I embraced it, the thought of doing it, despite all rational thoughts became another tiny part, of carefully crafted kink mechanism, that IS my sexuality. The worst part is that i can't write WAS. I want to blame technology, I want to blame porn accepting culture, I want to blame our animalistic minds, lusting for pleasure, but there is only me to blame. I am afraid that if I will quit, the guilt will kill me, five fucking years. Five years of youth, five years of misery cultivation. Five years of life, five years of being dissconected from life almost every day. How the fuck do I quit? Is there hope for neurological damage, done by self inflicted Pavlovian conditioning? How porn affected your life?
