I'm in my 30s. Had a rough childhood. Am good looking and fit. Above average intelligence. So I should have an easy life. I can work and if I enjoy it I tend to be really good at it. Still/again at uni.

My question: I know what hard times are. My life now is pretty easy. Still it's so hard for me to get up in the morning and do something for uni. Reading is ok. But now I have to do a ba thesis. This should be easy. But for me, somehow it is so hard to motivate myself. Why is that and what can I do?

Further problems are: I don't know what to become and I wanna be self employed. I can't work for a boss. Did that. Not for me.
Man I feel like a spoiled brat. What is wrong with me?
Every night I pray to hit the lotto every morning I pray for the strength to be productive. Most days I contemplate suicide but I don't want to make my loved ones sad. Maybe when my parents are dead and I am single.
As a kid I once dreamt to suicide. I died in the dream. Felt great. Many years later before an operation they gave me drugs I think opioids. Same feeling. As if all worries tumble to the ground and you levitate on a cloud of pure contentment