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Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 03:38:46 No.8271682 View View Reply Original Report

Quoted By: >>8271699 >>8271749 >>8271814

I'm an amateur writer.
Currently drunk as piss on Bombay.
Gonna write a stream of consciousness intro to a story.
Tell me if it's good or shit and offer criticism.
Thank you my dudes, story will be in the replies.

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:Otos3S3p Mon 24 Jun 2019 03:40:40 No.8271689 Report

Quoted By:

Oh boy, story time!

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 03:44:55 No.8271699 Report

Quoted By: >>8271715 >>8271832 >>8271835 >>8273397 >>8273638

>>8271682
>A waking sun peaks above the slum city of Helestan Warf, its rays caste upon the tiny ripples in the bay before her. Amplified in focus by the suns light the minute waves take on a new identity as shimmering golden crescented leaves. Each passing moment a hundredfold disappear and are replaced by two hundredfold more, one in the former’s place and another at the edge of the sun’s creeping reach. 2 moments pass and the leaves overtake the scallop docks, a moment more the parrotfish seiners are within their swathes, 4 more and they now engulf the rotting hulk of a sailboat with a tin roofed cabin bobbing in the centre of the bay, known as carver. Her home. Bitter sorrow wells in her chest at seeing it so beautiful for the first time. As she sails away on a stern of a ship with no name, never to see carver again.
A flying grape grazes her ear, another lands dead set in the middle of her neck.
Someone is trying to catch her attention, she knows who.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 03:53:41 No.8271715 Report

Quoted By: >>8271718 >>8276801

>>8271699
Just realised I spelled cast wrong in the first line. Anyways tell me I'm a faggot if I want I'm too drunk to care.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:k6twvqBo Mon 24 Jun 2019 03:55:41 No.8271718 Report

Quoted By: >>8271721

>>8271715
well, do you want to be called a faggot?

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 03:57:28 No.8271721 Report

Quoted By: >>8271734

>>8271718
Only if my writing is shit and you supply an explanation for why it is such.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:k6twvqBo Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:05:32 No.8271734 Report

Quoted By:

>>8271721
I have no idea of english literature desu, i read some classics from charles dickinson in school once but that's it.
It sounds pretty poetic though imo.

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:eBpe8bvd Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:11:08 No.8271749 Report

Quoted By: >>8271753

>>8271682
I do not feel qualified to criticize anything in english

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:13:15 No.8271753 Report

Quoted By: >>8271765

>>8271749
Heh fair enough I shouldn't have gone to bant

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:YO/Ft/ap Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:16:41 No.8271756 Report

Quoted By:

Once upon a time, Spooky-chan was creepy.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:k6twvqBo Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:22:09 No.8271765 Report

Quoted By: >>8271789

>>8271753
i can pretend to be a very intelligent english scholar with a fine taste for literature, but don't expect any sense.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:30:37 No.8271789 Report

Quoted By: >>8271823

>>8271765
I expected nothing more nor less. Go for it

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:Ebi6j7JM Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:33:04 No.8271796 Report

Quoted By: >>8271812 >>8271836

>Amplified in focus by the suns light
this sounds strange, but as I said maybe for a native speaker no

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:38:49 No.8271812 Report

Quoted By: >>8272882

>>8271796
Fair enough, it's not exactly conventional English. I intended it to be confusing at first glance to even a native English speaker. Then understood at the second. I'm attempting to describe how otherwise indistinct objects can be given greater contrast and thereby importance to the human eye at certain angles of light.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:H4G2uygd Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:40:43 No.8271814 Report

Quoted By:

>>8271682
Write one where the cute hentai babe gets fucked by a big anthro horse monster

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:k6twvqBo Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:45:16 No.8271823 Report

Quoted By: >>8271855

>>8271789
it feels like the beginning of an ancient story, written with a touch of modern writing. the words which have been chosen may seem "wrong" in the first place, but once the reader realizes the intention of the writer, it's genius. but, like every other writing of a great author, it lacks a few things. the feeling of living has been realized in a good way, but it lacks vulnerability. the reader cannot truly identify with the "being alive" part of this writing, as he reads it in a way that isn't truly human. but still, this magnificent and noteworthy writing deserves a spot next to books like "Where the Wind goes" and "My Thought, my Heart."
5/7 - The Reader

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:ZNxXCyaw Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:47:58 No.8271832 Report

Quoted By: >>8271866

>>8271699
>one in the former’s place and another at the edge of the sun’s creeping reach.

This line feels unnecessary, otherwise it's pretty good.

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:5z2P3xPK Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:49:05 No.8271835 Report

Quoted By: >>8271860

>>8271699
Write poetry.

Anonymous

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Anonymous ID:9QgDt2MG Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:49:22 No.8271836 Report

Quoted By:

>>8271796
hehe, but if you are from Russia it would sound normally for you

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 04:58:41 No.8271855 Report

Quoted By:

>>8271823
Thank you so much Swiss anon. I know I have a long way to go and that kind of encouragement is going to help me keep improving. Don't forget though, I just wrote this without any plan or prior context. I could very well follow this up with something that adds greater meaning and sense to what is only an intro paragraph, or Atleast I hope to.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 05:02:01 No.8271860 Report

Quoted By:

>>8271835
Thank you for your praise
I revel in your kind words
Live a good life anon
(there's a haiku for you)

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 05:04:12 No.8271866 Report

Quoted By:

>>8271832
Thanks I see it now. I intended to use it as a way to illustrate the wider reach of the sun as it slowly rises but perhaps it was unnecessary.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:brcINHoe Mon 24 Jun 2019 11:05:40 No.8272882 Report

Quoted By:

>>8271812
still better to write in a more active voice

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:sV7gKgzS Mon 24 Jun 2019 13:17:54 No.8273371 Report

Quoted By:

imagine writing drunk

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:HQ85rciL Mon 24 Jun 2019 13:22:28 No.8273397 Report

Quoted By:

>>8271699
Nice anon, the descriptions are really nice and help the reader paint a clear picture and the pacing is just right for this work. Although you may wanna remove the number versions of numbers and use their word counterparts instead. Like for example, change “2” to “two”

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:6Kqbd7X7 Mon 24 Jun 2019 14:03:28 No.8273638 Report

Quoted By: >>8273655 >>8275728 >>8275744

>>8271699
A little to pretentious. You focus to much on playing with words rather then lure me into a story. The setting is a also extremely generic, that makes the pretentious descriptions stand out even more. It's annoying when writers try to make me see everyday occurrences or as in your case clichéd settings in a new light through overly poetic descriptions.
It's as if you lack empathy, you don't try to seduce me with your beginning but you try to show of your abilities in observation and description.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:6Kqbd7X7 Mon 24 Jun 2019 14:12:26 No.8273655 Report

Quoted By:

>>8273638
“Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.”

“When I used to teach creative writing, I would tell the students to make their characters want something right away.”

“Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.”

All quotes by Kurt Vonnegut that I agree with.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:sV7gKgzS Mon 24 Jun 2019 17:42:47 No.8274496 Report

Quoted By: >>8275714

>canadian
>writer
heh

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 21:59:30 No.8275714 Report

Quoted By:

>>8274496
>german
>on a site full of nazis
Heh

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 22:03:22 No.8275728 Report

Quoted By: >>8276801

>>8273638
I appreciate the advice, it makes sense and I don't intend to ignore it. Your snarky tone is a bit dickish though considering I wrote this while plastered, I never claimed to be a good writer, and (I'm going out on a limb here but) I have no reason to believe you have any higher qualifications than I do. So yeah decent tips, still rude.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:8Z6djVqh Mon 24 Jun 2019 22:07:42 No.8275744 Report

Quoted By: >>8276772

>>8273638
What's so generic about a bay infront of a slum city? Are you saying every setting in a story needs to be fantastical and original? Even I know that is wrong, not every story needs to take place in a magical world of absurd localles or look like a try hard isekai anime.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:6Kqbd7X7 Tue 25 Jun 2019 00:21:20 No.8276772 Report

Quoted By:

>>8275744
No not every story needs a fantastical setting. But if it is one that is something commonly seen than it does not need such a long and detailed expose.
Two hundred years ago these descriptions were valuable. People could not travel that far, Photography didn't exist and Television neither. Now everyone who has seen more than two movies can imagine a bay before a slum city. Keep all the detailed descriptions for things that are hard to imagine. Like this it's showing off. You are not working with the reader.

Anonymous

Anonymous ID:6Kqbd7X7 Tue 25 Jun 2019 00:35:59 No.8276801 Report

Quoted By:

>>8275728
> Your snarky tone is a bit dickish though considering I wrote this while plastered,

>>8271715
> I'm too drunk to care.

Choose one. And stop whining.

I made an effort to type down and tell you what needs to be done better. Thats more than someone I don't know can and should expect.
Also. My writing has been published.
I don't care, if you believe me or not. Also not if you take my advice or not.

Look at writing as lying. Be paranoid like when you lie: if you get found out, your story fails. If your lie passes, you wrote well.

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