>>8597344i just feel like i need something that could make me completely forgive myself. But this is way too hard to get to this point, it involves effort... real effort to try and understand why you are so fucked up. Guetting pain is much more easy and quick, that's why i turn to it so often. Maybe i am afraid of guetting better ? There is some form of comfort in misery, and in the end as i said: it's almost as if it became part of my identity. The thing is that deep inside no one wants their identity to be part of something as negative as pain, and everyone in theory looks out for hapiness. But i feel that you can get addicted to some form of misery. I dont know if it is good or bad. I do not know if i should choose recovery or keep on being miserable. But if i do chose recovery it will mean i'll have to face the hardest decisions in my life, and the hardest choices concerning my identity. This might destroy my past self, and since i am so attached to the past it sounds scary. But either way, i feel like the more i live; then the more close i am to taking the radical choice. I still relapse and search for pain but... this can't go on for forever because humans aren't build to support so much pain like this.
