If there a god out there, he's certainly a little shit eating gremlin more than anything else. He's likely stuck his OP Please Nerf penis into our lives just to fuck with us and was probably drunk when doing so, especially with our religions.

Judaism: Walks up to a bunch of hairless sand monkeys and says "HEY! I like you. You're my chosen people now. Also cut off your foreskin and here's these 10 rules on stone slabs that y'all gotta follow cause y'all are just fucking whack."

Christianity: "I cucked this Joseph guy and now people are worshiping my bastard son. Cool. Oh shit, they killed him. Now that just not kosher."

Islam: "Hey goat face, you're my prophet now so go fuck those faggots for me and slap the shit out of everyone who says otherwise. Also cover your bitches up, they're gonna get sunburn."

Germanic Paganism: "So....basically I'm old, half-blind and I got a kid who controls lighting. Also if you don't die killing shit, you gonna freeze forever and shit."

Hellenic Paganism: "Basically....I can control lighting, I'm very horny, and my dad was a cunt so I zapped his child-eating ass. Also feed me goat souls and shit."

Hinduism: "I am cow. Praise me."

Taoism: "Inner Peace, Maaaaaaaaan~!"

Buddhism: "Karma, Reincarnation, an- DUDE! You're not meditating right! Say Oooooom louder! Man, my earlobes are fucking huge."

Aztec Paganism: "Feed me hearts or I'm yeeting you bitches into a literal dark age."

African Paganism: "Me Obongo, God of Mighty Mountain. Go fuck up those stupid Kantoko worshipers and their autistic river god."

Confucianism: "Basically, I'm spirit lawyer."

Every other paganism: "I a God of [Insert natural object or phenomenon here] so you bitches gotta give me sacrifices and shit or them bad spirits will molest you and your children."