you know
i'm actually cured of alcoholism
there were times when i got close, but at the back of my mind it was always there as an option or emergency exit.

last time was so unimaginably bad, and i got so sick, and i was so afraid of what i'd lost that it just left my body. like some kind of epiphany.

even in rehab talking to my now homeless abo friend (he walked out and right into a bottle shop), we'd talk about how we'd like to still try it. just not as much but still maybe 'drinks with mates'.

i've honestly never actually felt like this. like the concept itself has been sucked out of my head. maybe that last one week blow out was the thing that finally cured me. i'm very confused but everything feels different now. maybe whatever unconscious feelings about it all clicked.