I've had gender dysphoria for about 2 years now and closeted about it as my dad is transphobic(My mom died of a drug overdose when I was 3) and yells at me consistently and on rare occasion will hit me. Every time he does it I blame myself but quickly get hope.

For about a year now I would describe myself as passively suicidal, I wanted to die but didn't want to pull the trigger. But for about a month now it ramped from me just being 'passively suicidal' to me seeming genuinely suicidal, When I'm in bed I'll "fantasize" about dying before going to bed and I've just wanted to end it. And I probably would have if I had a way too.

I've always used different platforms on the internet to express myself and talk, But that doesn't seem like enough anymore. About 5 months ago I used cannabis and an occaisonal shot of alcohol to cope and still do that. It really does calm me down but at my age it really isn't a healthy habit.

No matter how hard I try I can't get my head out of suicide thoughts. I've got what most people would describe as a good life, Middle class, above average grades, Lots of friend and I always listen to happy upbeat music which does temporarily give me joy. But gender dysphpria and not being able to express myself tears me apart to no end.

It's a horrible state to be in. In 2017 I was living my high life and now I'm at a low point. Please help me out.