>>9701563Now what I'm going to tell you right now is very private, but it doesn't matter, because this cyber void is very forgiving, like a merciful mother.
My longing for romanticism and female closeness and appreciation most likely stems from some sort of childhood problem. It's armchair psychology, but I'm going to point a finger at my parents for not giving me enough attention. I don't blame them or are angry at them, though. I understand that they had to work hard to provide us a good living, but as a child, I wasn't mature enough, nor did I really see it consciously - rather, it was a subconscious desire that manifested in raucous behavior, screaming, crying, bullying other kids and overeating. It gave me attention, so even if I got screamed at, I kept on doing it, which in turn produced a habit of indulging in negative emotions and a complex of inferiority. My mind keeps telling me that being loved by a girl, being seen with her, because in reality a part of what I crave is not the girl herself, but the "prestige" and social status of having a girlfriend (even though I know there's no such thing, again, something my mind desperately tries to make me believe) will solve my problems of being a loser with no attention at all. Imaginary problems, that is, because I'm quite liked and even mildly popular I'd say, but it's not the real state of things that matters to the mind - it tries to combat its own delusions. I know that, in reality, getting a girlfriend or more messages on my phone or more friends won't change much in my life - it'll give me a high for some time, them my mood will stabilize because it's what's within that regulates it. Despite being well-equipped with reason and logic, I am losing this battle against the mind, ego and its illusions, as even this post is feeding it and was dictated by those primitive desires - Writing it, even if I tell myself that I just want to get the weight off my chest, I am really looking for validation and attention
