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I have the genuine solution. This is a well kept secret, but because I love you guys, I'm going to tell it to you. A long time ago I was taught a "frugal" trick by my dad. You punch your finger through the middle of one piece of toilet paper, stick your finger up your ass, pull it out, then pull up on the single sheet of paper, so you wipe off your finger. It works better than a bidet.
