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Alright guys I'm not a retard like OP but I'm also not a bike guy.
All I need is something that'll carry me slightly out of the suburbs every now and again or help with cardio.
I'm cool with anything that's not much in excess of like 500 bucks. Not specifically looking for a model or a brand (though those are appreciated), just wanna know what to watch out for, what to make sure I check before I buy something, how to not get ripped off by some hipster bike shop, etc.