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Contrast this to the anon who posted the other day, who learned to ride while shopping for a bicycle, because they were to embarrassed to admit to the sales person that they didn't know how to ride a bike.
I can't be bothered to read the thread and I don't know if OP is still reading, but go the balance bike route. Remove pedals from bike and lower the saddle so both feet touch the ground when seated. Then kick around until you've internalised the muscle memory to steer and balance. Then you can replace the pedals and learn to cycle.
Don't give up, OP. Keep at it. I'm certain you'll get it eventually.
