I am a cyclist. But if people have anti-cycling feelings, believe me, I share some of them. No one deserves to get in a road accident. But some of us cunts are trying. Here's a message to so many of my fellow cyclists:

Firstly, let’s talk gear. Slap on some lights and reflectors on your bike. Put on a couple of items of hi-viz clothing. At least don’t dress in all black. You need two working brakes. Use a bell. All of that can be obtained for less than £12 on Amazon.

Secondly, let’s talk about rules. “Stop” means stop. “Red” means stop. “Shared lanes” don’t mean you have the right of way. Stop for pedestrians on crossings. Pavements are for pedestrians. Indicate lane changes and turns. Did I mention “Red” means stop?

Thirdly, let’s talk behaviour. No headphones, earbuds, texting or calling on your bike, no ifs, no buts. If you’re going to filter through traffic, learn how to do it safely and effectively. Don’t hug the kerb all the time. Don’t take the lane all the time. Ride two abreast (but no more) discerningly. Helmets or road bikes don’t make you invincible. Ride predictably.

If any of what’s been written above seems unreasonable, you are a wankstain. Not only are you making all road users nervous and angry, you’re giving a bad name and making it harder for unobtrusive cyclists who just want to get from A to B or get some exercise.

Bike lanes, paths – or any bicycle-oriented infrastructure – is great. It makes our rides safer and easier and they get us cyclists off the main roads. But you know what’ll happen the next time the local authorities will consider putting in a bike lane, or putting in some infrastructure for cyclists? The anti-cycling brigade will be ready to oppose it – with all the ammunition you’ve given them because you ride like a tumour.