I want to buy a bicycle but I genuinely have no idea where to start. There will be days where I just want to ride it on a long paved bike trail for 20 miles and then there will be days where I want to ride it up and down a dirt road in a mountain. I am very prone to "rabbit hole effect" which basically means once I become involved in a hobby I immediately become obsessed and 3 days later I have some obscure $2000 titanium part ordered even though it only offers like 1% improvement in the 1% of people good enough to utilize it.

What bike do I get? Looking to drop about $1-2k and I need it to disassemble easily so I can put it in my van. In return, I give you this 4000 year old tree.