I don't know where to start, quick context. My parents are kinda useless and when I was younger I've always had trauma, I started to do SH in 2020 and basically now I don't feel any emotion, I have a Bf and he saw how I didn't hygiene myself or my room, how disgusting I am, I did very bad things I don't even feel guilty and my mind is so fucked up, last fight with my bf I tried to kms and or I usually beat him, I've trying to change since 2024 and I'm just as useless as I was, I am disgusted on how I can be that nasty and depressed in my bf's house, I shower once a week, I do SH in uncommon parts so he doesn't notice and I still have bad thoughts, the only thing I do for life is digital drawing, I'm a completely NEET and I feel like it's better to just give up and leave everything