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Every time I try to explain my situation to someone in real-life, they don't understand. This is not normal, this is not some "runaway edgy emo kid phase". I'm at my last straw. I'm severely intellectually disabled, autistic, have ADHD, and am possibly developing into a schizophrenic. My clinically assessed IQ is 70. I can only keep a single thought in my head at once (conjunctions such as "and" and "or" do not make instinctive sense to me).
I have major sensory overload problems that stem from my autism. Through my vision I can only ever focus on a single object at once and because of my extremely poor working memory, I am not able to make the distinction that my hands belong to my body. Therefore every time I move any part of my body, I feel a shock of anxiety because of unexpected movement.
In part due to my autism, and in part due to my low IQ, I'm unable to separate things I see reality from things I see on a screen or in a book. If you showed me a photo of a tree, I would not be able to make the connection to a real-life tree. I have very little sense of time, and no short-term planning abilities.
Almost everything I know was learned by rote through the use of amphetamines; I have no intuition, and my internal monologue consists of words and phrases that do not have any intrinsic meaning.
By mimicking other people's language, mannerisms, hobbies, etc., I've become "functional". That is to say most people wouldn't think of me as retarded at first impression. Yet because I'm doing things because I was told to do them, and not because I understand what it is I'm doing, I feel discontent and overall clueless about myself. How I feel at any moment is based on my emotions and my emotions alone.
I don't want to kill myself, however I want to escape society and live more like an animal. I have about $5000 saved up right now. I'm thinking of booking a flight to New Zealand or some nowhere country where I can sustain myself by my own standards (become homeless)
