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It's been so long since I had a friend that I can't remember what having a supportive friend group is like. I have work pals but I'm their supervisor so I'm pretty much cut out of the 'inner circle' socially. We mock each other extensively in my line of work as a general rule.
There's a climbing groups nearby that I took a class with to start climbing but I haven't been able to beat the anxiety to make it to their weekly climbs. And I finally realized tonight, thinking about it, it's because I can't imagine it, picture it in my head, going well. I picture myself being shit at it, especially having only climbed twice since the class five months ago, and being a drag, and being excluded from the group. Because I haven't had friends outside of work pretty much every, and never any that wasn't based on mocking each other because this job makes us cynical.
I am slowly dying, /out/, and there is no one I can talk with to stop it.