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not a coon story but...
>be me, Billy Bigrigger
>bojanglin' around the conus w/reefer loads
>first time in miami
>delivering to a new publix
>still under construction so crew is there
>have to get my papers signed by foreman after its unloaded
>buttcheeks clenched cause have to dookie hard
>pedro has been in portajohn for like 30 mins
>"fuck it"
>waddle around to a nearby pond where there's a couple trees
>"...not perfect but it'll do i s'pose"
>doin it live at the edge of the pond
>hear something in the leaves like 3 ft away
>look down and see this long ass scaly fuckin snek
>its fuckin straight as an arrow, half of it under the brush
>"what the fuck kinda snake is THAT? I ain't never--"
>*thrashes around*
>peaks its head out... its godamn LIZARD
>no fuck that it's a godamn DINOSAUR
>fuckin komodo dragon about to square up, he looks mean as hell
>leaps into the air like 3ft high and splashes into pond while i'm blowing it out my ass and pissing at the same time
>freak the fuck out and fall back into my very own stack of turdage, before i jump up in full sprint mode
>trip cause my drawers are around my ankles
>got piss and mud and shit all over my legs and parts of my shirt
>try to wipe it off with wet leaves
>see the foreman approaching the cab of my rig from far away
>"fuck fuck fuck fuck"
>pull my drawers up and run back to get my paperwork
>i approach, shit all over me, piss stain running down my pant leg, fly unzipped, white as a ghost cause i just escaped jurassic park
>"...eh here is your uhh... bill of lading son..."
>eyes me up and down
>"..ahem... you uh... alright boy?"
>told him i was pretty fuckin far from alright i just seent a ginormous fuckin lizard
turns out, a few years back, one guy lost track of his pet iguana... then another guy lost track of his. Then these two iguanas got together and made a shit ton more so now they got feral iguanas roamin the streets of miami. shit was fucked lol
