First you must learn to love the squirrels.
Let me explain.
You see, you need to gain their trust. It's pretty hard. You'll start off by just standing near them. Then offer some food. Let them know you're not a threat.
Eventually they will befriend you. Of course most squirrel human relationships are strictly platonic, but that's not what you're after.
You'll have to seduce the squirrels. Maybe even wear your furry costume and shake your fluffy tail at them like the little squirrel slut you've always wanted to be. Dangle your wiener out if your pants so that they are enticed by the prospect of seeing "some real nuts". Make them want it, make them want to stuff their cheeks with your glorious pork sword.
Once you can, you must begin to have sex with the squirrels. They will fall in love, like a clingy girlfriend, they will follow you everywhere, just begging for more of your squirrel pleasing purple headed yogurt slinger.
Now let them move into your house, allow them to get comfortable. Let them use the toilet, cook meals, and even sleep in your bed. They will start to feel, and act human.
Their intelligence will grow to the point they can read, and even learn to use a computer. Once they are at that level, have them come to 4chan, and open up this thread.
The squirrel will now die of cancer in no time.
