I've narrowed my search down to Nikon 3500.
The only real downside compared to the 5dm3 seems to be the weather sealing and sensor pixel area. They have the same ISO range, so I'm assuming the noise will be similar in low light. Everything else on the 5dm3 seems pretty useless to me. But again, I might be missing something here.
https://cameradecision.com/review/Nikon-D3500If anyone happens to own the D3500, then show me your picturas, please. Preferably low light ones. Preferably ones in the forest. Preferably under a stump. But I'll take whatever you'll throw at me.