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Tony Khan stood at the grand opening of All Elite Eating, a chaotic Mexican restaurant concept he had personally dreamed up at 4:13 AM after watching a Food Network rerun and booking 12 matches for Rampage.
He was vibrating with excitement.
“I just want to thank everyone! We’ve got the best burrito roster in the world! You’ll never see another taqueria like this again — EVER!” he shouted into a megaphone despite being only three feet from the staff.
The restaurant was shaped like a six-sided ring. Each booth was named after a PPV. There was a “Guac on a Pole” appetizer special and every drink came with a QR code teasing a surprise menu item reveal.
Behind the counter, CM Punk was trying to grill chicken, but the station was overcrowded — Luchasaurus was spinning tortillas on his horns while Orange Cassidy stood motionless, holding cilantro like it was beneath him.
“This isn’t what I signed up for,” Punk muttered. “They told me I’d be running the kitchen. Now I’m jobbing to a nacho plate.” He looked around. Chaos. No structure. No discipline. A luchador just suplexed a line cook. Colt Cabana was smiling in the corner.
Punk took off his apron.
“You know what? I’m done. I don’t serve under children.”
He walked out the front door, tripped over a sign that said “TRY THE BEST IN THE WORLD BURRITO,” and vanished into the Chicago fog.
