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called off work today, so depressed and just feel like a massive piece of shit mentally/physically.
the 2-MAP is almost gone, though I don't really care. Don't want more, didn't enjoy it at all really, just like I haven't much the past several times I ordered it either. Wish I could say I 100% wasn't going to order it again and feel like I wasn't possibly lying. I hope I don't order it again though. If my friends ask for it think I'll just say the sites stopped selling it, not like normal people know where to go to find this shit and they have the ability to check. Just need the willpower to not keep fucking up.
Think I might rail this last bit I have left at once. Seems like it might be a slightly dangerous amount but believe I'll be okay. If not fuck it.
If I could just see a few people I know and talk to them I feel like it's the only thing that might help my head, but it's just not possible. Not many people in my life I let into my bullshit too far anyway and circumstances/distance/other factos complicate things with those I do.
I'd give anything to be with my friend in Florida right now just sitting on the beach or eating lunch somewhere, doing anything, instead of staring at this powdery bullshit some chink synth'd in a dirty lab. She was the last person that even gave me a hug other than when I was in rehab and it was expected for the NA/AA bullshit :( and that was over a year ago.
fuck man. I miss her so much. Seeing her was the last time I was actually happy for a couple days. And I didn't need to be fucked up to enjoy myself. Be grateful if you have people like that in your lives Momobros.
Sorry for the blog post I'm gonna lay down and just think about things for a while. Trying to watch Generation Kill and can't really pay attention. So sleep deprived and spun out feeling.
