>>18791574Love you so much, anon. Thank you. My intrusive thoughts are about the same subjects as yours, but my loops have gotten extremely complex where they only "cleanse" me of the feeling of I do them at specific times of the day. I know it's a disorder you have to behave yourself out of but I no longer have proper meds for it so the only thing that kills it outright is getting plastered drunk, which I don't want to do anymore. I got off Zoloft recently, I always felt ssris at best took the edge off, what has worked for me is a combo of focalin &, xanax (no one will give me Xanax anymore bc I drank on it once and acted foolish). I look at meds as training wheels that you can eventually remove. With Zoloft though I didn't realize how numb it made me, did not cry for five years, then once off the floodgates broke. I feel blessed to to feel human again even if I'm suffering.
I absolutely feel what you by it being a curse. It truly does feel wicked and from a dark place, not even from me but something that attached itself to me. Sincerely appreciate your reply, this is truly Hellish and I wish you didn't have it, but I've also only met maybe one person irl who related that much to my struggles. It sort of does help, because I feel less alone in this battle so I can grab strength from your post.
