>>10649376I had to stand behind work equipment for at least ten minutes and cry where I hope nobody could see me. Because one of my female coworkers poked the back of my shoulder. All I can think about is how I would never in a million years touch any part of any other human's body because I don't want to get in trouble. I keep intentionally not learning people's names and ignoring the glances I get from the women I work with because if I try to engage anybody in any amount of conversation I am positive that I will get in trouble. Yes it hurts my feelings when the women I notice noticing me start to notice me less and less because I'm not giving them anything to grab onto, but it's important that I not go to jail or kill myself and I don't want to get in trouble. I overheard this one chick at work talking about her ex who used to beat her up every night, I have to imagine that if I ever talked to her for longer than a minute I would feel obligated to warn her that a previous coworker took out a PFA against me, I certainly wouldn't be able to feign any sympathy for her trauma because I sincerely have a voice in my head asking whether or not she's making it up.
I hate being like this. I believe in and I hate God. I want to die but I don't want to kill myself. I wouldn't feel any better if Emily came up to me tomorrow and admitted she made it all up and apologize. If she apologized, and then the cops took her to jail, and the cops and the judge apologized, and Walmart apologized, I still wouldn't feel better. Go back in time and bring my druggy sister back to life and tell her you made it up before she dies. Take me back in time to every coworker that I've snapped on since then and help me apologize to them. Do all of that and I still wouldn't feel better. I'm actually a broken human being. I can barely masturbate anymore because 90% of the time I get angry at the woman on the screen because I become certain that she's a liar.
Fuck Emily.
