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Right listen here I am going round in circles with this like the tram on the front and I am sick to the back teeth of it. These pie eating contests are not normal. They are not a laugh. They are a wrong un little sideshow dressed up in bunting and for charity varnish and everyone queues up like marks because a bloke is doing spiel with a mic like he is flogging rock and donkey rides. Step right up have a go win a plastic cup. Aye right. It is a racket. It is a grotty turn where the attraction is watching a punter gamble his windpipe for a voucher
And it is always pies. Always. Not soup not mash not something smooth. Pies because pies are treacherous. Crust like cardboard gravy like glue random lump like a cobble and your throat goes absolutely not and the crowd goes faster. Then the rules give it away. No hands no drink time clock. That is not rules that is rigging. It is stitched up so it goes pear shaped and everyone pretends they did not come for the wobble while their phones are out like seagulls round a dropped chip.
Then the eyes change and the room goes quiet for half a second and you can hear the wind and the gulls and someone says is he alright and the spiel man goes aye he is fine folks he is fine louder and louder because loud is all he has got. It is mad as a box of frogs. It is fruitier than a bag of Opal Fruits on a radiator. It is dafter than a brush.
Pack it in. Bake pies judge pies give rosettes do a raffle do a sponsored walk along the front. Anything but turning swallowing into a timed hazard. One day it will go proper pear shaped and you will all stand there like lemons phones still up wondering how a bit of crack ended up with an ambulance and then you will do it again next year because you lot never learn
