Quoted By:
Oh.
Oh <span class="mu-i">MAN</span>.
Unceremoniously dropping Lil’ Stanley on the pavement like an exceptionally-chunky sack of potatoes, you preemptively wipe the drool from the side of your mouth as you recognize your prize. Though it’s hidden away inside a gaudy-colored box plastered with warning stickers in at least seven different languages, you’d recognize that package anywhere.
“This, Ms. Parble,” explains Officer W as his subordinate plops it on the ground in front of you, “Is t-”
<span class="mu-b">THE BACKUUM 1000,</span> you recite with misty eyes. <span class="mu-b">INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH.</span>
“Banned in over seventy different countries, most notably the United States.” W nods, clearly impressed. “And for good reason, as I’m sure you’re already well aware.”
“Hey, yea…” Ly remarks as his <span class="mu-g">ASTRAL FORM</span> pops out of your body to get a closer look, “We used ta’ watch <span class="mu-b">MeTube</span> vids of dis’ thing all da’ time, right? On account of all da’ <span class="mu-r">MODIFICATIONS-</span>”
Oh <span class="mu-i">yes</span>, you purr as you lovingly caress the side of the box, with a little tuning this baby can launch a hunk of rebar through <span class="mu-i">steel</span>--or an egg through a <span class="mu-s">CHICKEN!</span>
“Oof, didn’t need to remember <span class="mu-i">that</span> video…” Goon #1 mutters as you fish the implement of destruction out from its cardboard prison! Glimmering like a blood diamond in the ashen sun, the <span class="mu-g">BACKUUM 1000</span> looks, for the most part, very similar to the one you had back at <span class="mu-g">GOOD BO:</span> Tempered enamel dirt reservoir, sleek cylindrical design, interchangeable narrow-to-wide nozzle selection large enough to suck up a golden retriever, plush gel-layered shoulder and chest straps for sustained and comfortable use, ten different power settings ranging from ‘<span class="mu-i">launch payload</span>’ to ‘<span class="mu-i">barnacle remover</span>’, and the icing on the cake: an adjustable no-spill drink holder.
Needless to say, that assumption would be completely and utterly <span class="mu-i">WRONG.</span>
“Unfortunately we couldn’t get our hands on the 9000 model–those U.N hearings made them pretty tricky to come by, even through, erm, ‘<span class="mu-i">alternative</span>’ wholesalers.”
Hey, a <span class="mu-g">BACKUUM</span> is a <span class="mu-g">BACKUUM,</span> you stammer as you feverishly get to work buckling the device up! In a beautiful blend of <span class="mu-b">ANIMAL AND FEMININE INTUITION</span> working in tandem, Lil’ Stanley gets the hint and takes cover behind your feet as you flick the <span class="mu-g">ON SWITCH</span> on the cleaning tool’s handle.
For a moment, the whole world seems to hold its breath… and then:
<span class="mu-s">ROLLING THUNDER.</span>
>CONTD.
